Ending the Tug of War: Making Sustainable Choices while Preserving Relationship Harmony
I am so incredibly blessed to be married to someone who makes me laugh on a daily basis, an eternal optimist who embraces life to its fullest. I came into the relationship a full-fledged minimalist with strong environmental leanings. My husband came into the relationship with a fishing-rod collection that could circle the equator (or, at least, a city block). Impressive knowledge of wildlife, flora, and the best hiking on this side of the Mississippi? Absolutely.
Activist leanings? Not so much.
I am deeply inspired by individuals and families who pursue minimalism and sustainable living, but I am struck by how frequently bloggers and podcasters make the transition seem completely seamless. The over-simplified narrative resembles a Hollywood film, where the story ends right after the life-changing kiss (Can the “absence of material possessions” kiss? Probably not. But I digress).
The reality isn’t that simple. As with all “big” things in life, there is some inevitable tug-of-war as people and their needs change. Sometimes, playing tug-of-war with my partner looks like conversations about how we both value experiences over things, or sharing a moment that really resonates with us both, such as how disappointed we are that fracking made an appearance at a favorite hiking spot. But other times, that tug-of-war sounds a whole lot more like we’re battling it out over microaggressions: “Did you really need to buy another hat?” or “Why did you need to get rid of perfectly good cups?”
It was completely revolutionary to realize that these perceived “microaggressions” were rarely actually about the hat collection, or my (admitted) intolerance for excess drinking glasses. At the root of this conflict is actually fear or uncertainty: My fear that my husband was using material purchases to compensate for boredom in our life together (spoiler alert: It wasn’t. He just really likes hats. And shoes. But that’s a conversation for another day). His uncertainty about the hassle and inconvenience if we went “limited waste.”
Everyday decisions– from buying bottled water to minimizing your shoe collection– send unintentional signals into the world, and particularly to your loved ones, about who you are and the values you hold. Controlling these messages about your values can be the key to more meaningful communication about the changes in your life. Here’s a few suggestions.
Talk about the end point.
For some people, starting in small, manageable increments is valuable to making long-lasting change. But if you keep adding small increments without talking about your end goals, family members may interpret that to mean that the target is ever-changing: “Oh, you just wanted to get rid of plastic water bottles, and now you don’t want to buy processed foods? What’s next? Confiscating my shampoos?”
Being upfront about what you hope to accomplish– and why– while allowing for some give-and-take can help to ease anxiety all around. If your partner knows that your goal is to cut out plastic, but maybe not to join a nudist commune, they will feel reassured that the next step after recycling the Tupperware isn’t expropriating their favorite t-shirt.
Meet in the Middle.
Compromise may be the most under-rated C word in the alphabet (with “caffeine” coming in at a close second). In our home, we generally adhere to the 80/20 rule. If we make conscious decisions about what we consume 80% of the time, the other 20% is a free for all. By “giving grace”– to order the occasional take-out, or to buy the hat we don’t “need” but definitely “want”– it ultimately allows both of us some space to err without undermining our faith in each other that we are both moving towards the same goals.
Remember: It’s you and your partner versus the problem, not you vs. your partner.
Choosing specific, feeling-based “I” language can be particularly helpful in navigating compromise as well, by shifting the conversation away from a power struggle. For example, saying “You need to stop buying plastic water bottles” is begging for confrontation, but sharing “I feel guilty when we use plastic water bottles” opens the conversation for your partner to offer solutions you both can agree on.
Be willing, particularly at first, to take on the bulk of the “labor” involved in a shift.
If you are the one who is passionate about cloth diapering but your partner could care less, it makes plenty of sense to be the one who takes on the responsibility of laundering the diapers. If you want to reduce the toxins in household products, take the lead on doing the research and putting your new products on auto-ship (trust me, your partner will grab the first thing on the Walmart shelf if you unexpectedly run out of laundry detergent!).
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go minimize our cup collection before my husband gets home… (Kidding). 😉
Want to read more? Check out 5 Minute Steps with a Tangible Climate Impact. Found value in this post? Please share with a friend!
